An Adopted Child's Voice

An Adopted Child's Voice.....

I was adopted when I was seven years old. I remember very little about my real mom and dad......

I love my new mom and dad very much. They have always been good to me. I remember things in my old home being very bad. I didn't realize it then but I do now. I am happy and I feel lucky that I was chosen to be adopted by a good family. I am glad that I got a better chance at life now. If I had stayed with my old family, who knows where I would be now or what I'd be doing......
But.... there is a part in me that aches very badly. I can remember just bits and pieces of my old life. I can remember an old spider man game I once had. I can remember an old red bike I loved so much. I can remember a few aunts and uncles that were nice to me, but I can't remember their names.
I keep these feeling to myself. Sometimes I have really bad days. I just want to explode!
i remember going to different foster cares. I got to take my things with me, but I remember people throwing them away because they said it was junk or broken.
I love to look at the picture album that my new family made for me, but there are no baby pictures there. Those memories are fading away and it scares me. I know who I am now, but I know nothing of who I used to be. I remember someone from the past doing bad things to me. I remember them touching me in private places, but I can't remember who it was. I can only see small flashes. I have these huge chunks of my life that are just gone!
Everyone expects me to be happy and just move on. Everyone wants me to be a good person. I don't know who that person really is.

Does my old family ever think of me? Where are they?

An Adopted Child's Voice

An Adopted Child's Voice

After I was adopted, things started to settle down. Things were seeming to be normal. I felt very much at home with my new family.
We did fun family things together. We had family night where we would sit at the dinning room table and play cards or board games. Sometimes we had a family movie night. This was the happiest time I ever knew. I found myself pushing my old family and old life right out of my mind, and letting my new family in.
That didn't mean I was all better. I was happy, sure, but when night time fell, and I went to bed, all the old memories would drown me. I would lay there sleepless and think of old times.
I remembered living in that old house. I remember it being so cold. I remember not being able to lay, sit, or stand anywhere in that house with out being in animal feces.
I remembered the farm we had there. There was no door on our house, so farm animals occasionally wandered in. No one seemed to care. I can remember getting hurt and my birth mother just ignoring it. I remember breaking my arm and my birth mother not wanting to be bothered by taking me to a hospital. When she took me, I remember being so small and she let me run around the hospital all by myself! i remember the nurse casting my arm, but my mother wasn't there.
I remember being in that big old house all alone when my parents went to parties and being hungry with no one there to feed me.

I thank God everyday that he found me a good home, and it has taken away many fears. I feel safe now. I know I was blessed by God, but I often still recapture these old memories in my mind.

It scares me to think they will never leave........

An Adopted Child's Voice

An Adopted Child's Story

It was usually always loud in my house. There were always people in and out of my house all day and night. It was hard to sleep sometimes because of all the noise. Sometimes I heard people yelling. I used to have a big gray teddy bear. It helped me go to sleep and it kept me warm and safe when it was cold in my house.

I was only about six years old, but I remember it like it was yesterday.......

I was in my bed. I could hear the usual yelling and screaming and I held my teddy bear tightly and tried to sleep. My bedroom door came flying open and some one was holding a flash light in my eyes. There were men with badges and a woman followed behind them. The woman lifted me out of my bed and carried me out into the dark night. I clung tightly to my teddy bear. I could see my mom and dad wearing handcuffs. My mom yelled to me and said, " I'll come get you honey, I promise."

I wet my pants......

The woman put me in her car and buckled me in. As we drove along the woman told me she had a very nice place for me to stay.
She took me to a very nice house and the people there had a bedroom there just for me. the people were very nice to me but I was scared. I didn't have my night lights, or my toys, or my clothes. The woman came back the next day with brand new clothes from the store. They were nice but they weren't mine.
As time went by, my mom never came for me. I heard the lady say that I might be able to be adopted. I didn't know what that meant.
The nice people that I now call Mom and Dad , got me all dressed up and we went to a big court house. I heard people say my real mom and dad were going to be in prison for a very long time.
I heard them tell the judge that my mom and dad weren't feeding me and hadn't even asked about me.
Many court hearings passed.....
I got to see my mom and dad from time to time in a room full of strange people watching us.
I heard the lady tell my new mom and dad they could adopt me now. Every one was happy. I was happy because my new mom and dad were very good to me, but I wondered for a very long time why my old mom and dad didn't want me.
That hurt me very badly. I had good days and bad days. I was happy, but sometimes I cried to myself. I missed my old things that were left behind. I missed my mom and dad and was slowly starting to forget them.

I often wondered if they had forgotten about me.....

An Adopted Child's Voice

An Adopted Child's Story 2

I remember being so scared when I met my new "Forever Family." They had a smile on their face when they told me Hello. They seemed very nice. I had a fun time with them the very first day I met them.
Then.... it was move in day! My caseworker drove me clear to the other side of the state. I was eight years old, so I didn't understand the meaning of miles. I just know it took a very long time. My stomach hurt the whole way there. I felt sick.
When we finally got there, I saw my new "Forever Family" that I had met so many times before. They met us at the door. I loved the house. I loved my bedroom. I loved the swimming pool I saw in the back yard. I couldn't wait to get in and go for a swim! I loved the playground I saw in the yard too!
It was late in the day. They had made supper. Supper? I usually didn't get supper everyday. It was hard to eat when there were so many exciting things going on inside my head.
It was then time for bed. I loved my soft comfortable bed that was there just for me, but it was so hard to sleep. I laid there in the dark thinking about the playground, pool, and the sandbox!

Morning came and I heard a noise. I knew my new mom and dad were up. I sprang out of bed and in the blink of an eye I threw on my swimming trunks a goggles that my new mom and dad had got me. I ran to the kitchen.
They heard me and turned around. When they saw me all dressed up in my swimming gear, they laughed.

Breakfast? They had made breakfast! I could hardly eat! I wanted outside so bad!
After I ate, I ran wildly from the pool to the playground, and found a little fishing pond in the side yard! I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to do.....
The next few days were so fun with all this new stuff to do!
Once in a while I thought of my old mom. I knew if she saw me having this much fun here she would make me feel guilty! She haunted me at night when I tried to sleep. I could hear her in my thoughts telling me to feel sorry for her.

then... one day I sat on the back porch, and I heard a voice calling me from down by the pond. I turned and looked and there sat my grandma who had passed away some years ago.....
She smiled at me and told me she was so happy I was in a good home. My grandma wanted to get me away from my mother. She wanted me to live with her, but then she died.
I saw my Grandma in my dreams every night then. She was my guardian angel!
This was a great comfort to me! She talked to me in my dreams. She kept me safe. The better I got to know my new mom and dad the less she appeared in my dreams. I hardly see her at all now.

An Adopted Child's Voice

I always get the blame.....

I used to do bad things. I have tried very hard to change to change these things. People get very mad at me. I don't want to do these bad things anymore. But people remember how I used to be and usually just assume it was me....

I try to be good. I really do!
But.....
Things get hard and I find myself getting deeper into trouble. I think of my old life and why my mom just didn't love me or want me in her life. It makes me very angry. I don't tell anyone this secret of mine. I bury it inside.

Sometimes I get really mad and just explode.....
I always get the blame.

I think about strangers coming into my house and taking me away. I remember that like it was yesterday. No one asked me what I wanted. They just gave me a new family. I like them just fine but it just isn't fair. I get really angry again. I explode over simple things.
I always get the blame.

People think I'm bad. It's too hard to show them that I'm not. I can't seem to prove it to anyone. I've been bad too long.....

I always get the blame.......

An Adopted Child's Voice

Adopted Child's Poetry

I miss my old mom....
Though I don't know why....
I miss my old life....
Though it made me cry....

I miss my teddy.....
All ragged and worn too.....
I miss my old games....
I lost in the move....

I miss my old teacher....
And all my old friends....
I miss people in my past.....
I never even met.....

I miss the memories....
I used to have.....
Have faded now.....
Deep into my past....

@michelleb@

An Adopted Child's Voice

Adopted Child Poetry

My home my life torn apart....
Like daggers piercing in my heart....
A new beginning in strange places....
With so many unfamiliar faces.....

Old memories keep fading away....
Like pictures from the past....
I'm supposed to be happy where I am....
But I don't know how long it will last.....

My forever family was promised to me....
A very long time ago....
But all I ever seem to do....
Is drift from home to home......

Is there such a thing in life.....
As a happily ever after.....
These fairy tales don't seem so real....
Inside I feel no laughter.....

As time goes by I feel myself.....
As numb as numb can be.....
I face the fact that for my life.....
I am my one and only family.....

@michelleb@